The Quiet Storm Inside — Emotions, Experience & the Cost of Comparison
If you live off a man’s compliments, you’ll die from his criticism.” — Cornelius Lindsey
“When you die, people don’t call you by your name. … At your funeral they will say ‘Bring the body’…”
1. Why this keeps happening: the emotional mechanisms
• The habit of comparison
From childhood, many of us learn to measure ourselves: “how am I doing” compared to someone else — sibling, classmate, colleague, friend. This becomes an internal reflex, a scoreboard in our mind, whether overt or quiet.
Research confirms that frequent social comparison (especially upward — comparing ourselves with someone we perceive as better off) is strongly associated with negative feelings: lower self-esteem, more anxiety, and depressive symptoms.
For example, a review notes: “Lower self-acceptance and higher social comparison were linked to higher depression and anxiety.”
Research confirms that frequent social comparison (especially upward — comparing ourselves with someone we perceive as better off) is strongly associated with negative feelings: lower self-esteem, more anxiety, and depressive symptoms.
And usage of social media -- which floods us with curated “highlight reels” of others’ success, beauty, recognition, status -- intensifies the comparison reflex.
• The internal gap: self-discrepancy
Another way to see this: the theory of self-discrepancy (Self‑discrepancy theory) says when our “actual self” (how we currently are) diverges sharply from our “ideal self” (how we would like to be) or our “ought self” (how we feel we should be) then emotional pain arises.
When we compare ourselves with someone else’s “ideal” or highlight image, we may feel: “I-should-be-there,” “I-should-have that,” “Why not me?” This gap triggers restlessness, dissatisfaction.
When we compare ourselves with someone else’s “ideal” or highlight image, we may feel: “I-should-be-there,” “I-should-have that,” “Why not me?” This gap triggers restlessness, dissatisfaction.
• The power & importance mirror
In work, family, and social life, importance, status, and recognition often become subtle measuring sticks. We might not consciously say “I must be more important,” but we feel its shadows: “Am I being seen? Does what I do matter? Does my voice count?”
When someone else is recognised, we might internally tally: “What about me?” Or worse: “If they’re ahead, then I’m falling behind.”
These are emotional triggers that remove us from inner values and push us into the outer race.
When someone else is recognised, we might internally tally: “What about me?” Or worse: “If they’re ahead, then I’m falling behind.”
These are emotional triggers that remove us from inner values and push us into the outer race.
• The show-off/façade pressure
Often in our culture — personal, professional, social media — there is a subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) “look at what I have done” or “look at what I am” message.
When we feel we must show, signal, prove, perform — the authentic self may shrink. Peace falls away and we live to be seen, rather than to feel safe.
We seeing people who teach how to stay calm, avoid comparison, yet privately are in the race themselves. That mirror is painful: how can we trust the knowledge unless it is lived? And how can we live it unless we look inside?
When we feel we must show, signal, prove, perform — the authentic self may shrink. Peace falls away and we live to be seen, rather than to feel safe.
We seeing people who teach how to stay calm, avoid comparison, yet privately are in the race themselves. That mirror is painful: how can we trust the knowledge unless it is lived? And how can we live it unless we look inside?
2. What the research says about the impact
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Social comparison is not just a harmless habit. As one article puts it: “Frequent social comparisons can significantly negatively impact mental health by fostering destructive emotions such as envy, guilt, and regret.”(https://www.grandrisingbehavioralhealth.com/blog/the-impact-of-social-comparison-on-mental-healt)
In clinical populations, a 2024 review found that “self-reported or experimentally induced social comparison” correlated with higher depression and anxiety.(https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40501-024-00313-0)
On social media, upward comparisons mediate the relationship between use of sites like Instagram and lower self-esteem / higher depressive symptoms. (https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2025.1597241/full)
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The effect is cross-age: though much of the research focuses on youth, the mechanisms (comparison, gap, “ought self”) apply at any age.
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Relationship wounds from childhood (inner-child issues) amplify vulnerability: if the child inside us already felt “less than” or “not enough,” then later triggers (work, status, recognition) stir those old wounds anew.
Social comparison is not just a harmless habit. As one article puts it: “Frequent social comparisons can significantly negatively impact mental health by fostering destructive emotions such as envy, guilt, and regret.”(https://www.grandrisingbehavioralhealth.com/blog/the-impact-of-social-comparison-on-mental-healt)
The effect is cross-age: though much of the research focuses on youth, the mechanisms (comparison, gap, “ought self”) apply at any age.
Relationship wounds from childhood (inner-child issues) amplify vulnerability: if the child inside us already felt “less than” or “not enough,” then later triggers (work, status, recognition) stir those old wounds anew.
3. The emotional heart & inner-child perspective
Imagine a young child in your mind: you. This child looked for love, recognition, maybe comparison, maybe showed off to gain attention, maybe felt overshadowed. That inner child still lives inside. When we trigger “I must prove myself,” “I am less,” “They are more,” we hear that child’s voice: “Do I matter? Am I enough? Do I belong?”
We carry boxes of unspoken: “If only I were bigger, smarter, richer, recognised… then I would feel safe.” But safe-feeling isn’t guaranteed by external comparison or recognition. The child inside still asks: “Are you looking at me? Do you see me? Will you stay with me?”
When we reach a senior status, when recognition comes, when the world applauds, even then the inner child may cry: “But what about me at home? What about love? What about genuine connection?” As you pointed out, you met someone extremely famous in their field, yet in private, they were depressed, battling with their race. Because external applause doesn’t necessarily heal internal wounds.
The emotional heart of this journey:
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We can be celebrated externally and yet feel hollow internally.
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We can build empires in work and yet have toxic relationships and no inner peace.
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We can preach calm, boundaries, authenticity—and yet live in fear of being compared, judged, less-than.
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The first step toward breaking this cycle is turning inward: meeting that child, witnessing our own patterns, choosing to not give power to comparison, importance, or status as the measure of our value.
We can be celebrated externally and yet feel hollow internally.
We can build empires in work and yet have toxic relationships and no inner peace.
We can preach calm, boundaries, authenticity—and yet live in fear of being compared, judged, less-than.
The first step toward breaking this cycle is turning inward: meeting that child, witnessing our own patterns, choosing to not give power to comparison, importance, or status as the measure of our value.
4. What benefits can come if we apply this knowledge in real life?
If we are able to apply the wisdom, the benefits are profound:
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Peace: freedom from being tethered to other people’s scoreboard. Our value is no longer “how visible I am,” “how much power I wield,” “how many people notice me.” We learn to rest in being.
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Authentic boundaries: We stop letting outer comparisons dictate our inner calm. We set boundaries around what influences us: social-media consumption, who we allow to judge us, and who we let into our inner circle.
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Better relationships: When we stop competing, showing off, comparing, we can show up with vulnerability, authenticity, presence. The inner child feels safe to be real. Others feel safe.
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Resilience & self-compassion: The inner child doesn’t need perfect; she needs kind. She needs someone who says: “Yes, you matter. You are enough.” We become that adult for ourselves.
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Purpose-driven living: Instead of living for “importance,” “status,” “comparison,” we live for contributions, connection, joy. The outer race slows; the inner journey begins.
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Longevity of wellbeing: Research indicates that the more we rely on external comparison and status, the more likely we are to feel dissatisfaction, anxiety, low self-esteem. Applying the knowledge shifts us from chasing to being.
Peace: freedom from being tethered to other people’s scoreboard. Our value is no longer “how visible I am,” “how much power I wield,” “how many people notice me.” We learn to rest in being.
Authentic boundaries: We stop letting outer comparisons dictate our inner calm. We set boundaries around what influences us: social-media consumption, who we allow to judge us, and who we let into our inner circle.
Better relationships: When we stop competing, showing off, comparing, we can show up with vulnerability, authenticity, presence. The inner child feels safe to be real. Others feel safe.
Resilience & self-compassion: The inner child doesn’t need perfect; she needs kind. She needs someone who says: “Yes, you matter. You are enough.” We become that adult for ourselves.
Purpose-driven living: Instead of living for “importance,” “status,” “comparison,” we live for contributions, connection, joy. The outer race slows; the inner journey begins.
Longevity of wellbeing: Research indicates that the more we rely on external comparison and status, the more likely we are to feel dissatisfaction, anxiety, low self-esteem. Applying the knowledge shifts us from chasing to being.
5. How to begin: Practical steps to protect your peace & build healthy boundaries
Here are concrete steps you can apply (and share, since you wish to help others) to start the inner work:
Step 1: Awareness
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Notice when you slip into comparison: “I should be further,” “He/She is better than me,” “They don’t value me.”
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Ask: What is the underlying emotion? (“I feel unseen,” “I feel less,” “I feel judged.”)
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Identify the trigger: workplace, social media, family meeting, home environment, peer conversation.
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Record (mentally or in a journal): how did I feel after? drained? less-worthy? anxious?
Notice when you slip into comparison: “I should be further,” “He/She is better than me,” “They don’t value me.”
Ask: What is the underlying emotion? (“I feel unseen,” “I feel less,” “I feel judged.”)
Identify the trigger: workplace, social media, family meeting, home environment, peer conversation.
Record (mentally or in a journal): how did I feel after? drained? less-worthy? anxious?
Step 2: Recognise the inner child
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In a quiet moment, imagine your younger self: the part of you who felt overlooked, compared, required to prove. Invite compassion: “I see you. I am here.”
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Speak to that child: “You are enough. You don’t need to race to prove. I’ve got you.”
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Give permission: “It’s okay to just be—to rest—to pause.”
In a quiet moment, imagine your younger self: the part of you who felt overlooked, compared, required to prove. Invite compassion: “I see you. I am here.”
Speak to that child: “You are enough. You don’t need to race to prove. I’ve got you.”
Give permission: “It’s okay to just be—to rest—to pause.”
Step 3: Interrupt the cycle
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On noticing comparison, breathe. Pause. Shift focus to something internal: your value, your purpose, your connection.
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Limit consumption of platforms or environments that trigger comparison (social media, certain peer groups).
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Create a “safe space” time daily (even 10 minutes) where you disconnect from comparison culture and reconnect with your values: who you really are, what you really want.
On noticing comparison, breathe. Pause. Shift focus to something internal: your value, your purpose, your connection.
Limit consumption of platforms or environments that trigger comparison (social media, certain peer groups).
Create a “safe space” time daily (even 10 minutes) where you disconnect from comparison culture and reconnect with your values: who you really are, what you really want.
Step 4: Build boundaries
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Define what matters to you inside, independent of external validation: kindness, presence, generosity, peace.
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Let go of needing everyone’s praise. As the quote says, if you live off others’ compliments, you become vulnerable to their criticism. Choose self-reliance of inner worth.
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In relationships (home, work, social), speak authentically. If you feel the “race to prove” creeping in, ask: “Am I doing this to show or to be?”
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Create “no-compare zones”: for instance, at home, decide: “We don’t compare achievements here. We celebrate each individual quietly.” Or in work: “My worth is not measured by ranking but by contribution + growth.”
Define what matters to you inside, independent of external validation: kindness, presence, generosity, peace.
Let go of needing everyone’s praise. As the quote says, if you live off others’ compliments, you become vulnerable to their criticism. Choose self-reliance of inner worth.
In relationships (home, work, social), speak authentically. If you feel the “race to prove” creeping in, ask: “Am I doing this to show or to be?”
Create “no-compare zones”: for instance, at home, decide: “We don’t compare achievements here. We celebrate each individual quietly.” Or in work: “My worth is not measured by ranking but by contribution + growth.”
Step 5: Live your message
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If you guide others, you are both teacher and student. That means your own practice matters more than your talk.
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Share your struggles, your HALT (Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired) moments. That vulnerability builds trust and models genuine transformation.
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When you fall into the race, reset. Own it. Apologise to your inner child. Then get up and walk again.
If you guide others, you are both teacher and student. That means your own practice matters more than your talk.
Share your struggles, your HALT (Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired) moments. That vulnerability builds trust and models genuine transformation.
When you fall into the race, reset. Own it. Apologise to your inner child. Then get up and walk again.
6. A call from the heart
To “spread happiness and spread peace” is beautiful. Helping someone with no reason, no expectation—that giving spirit—is exactly the antidote to comparison and competition. When we serve not to be seen but to serve, we step into a deeper lane of meaning.
Yes—there is thousands of knowledge out there, coaches, gurus, influencers, voices all say: “Stay calm,” “Don’t compare,” “Know your worth.” But you are correct: the benefit is only if you live it. You cannot separate the practise from the being.
So I invite you:
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Next time you feel the comparison-gear go on, pause. Drop the wheel.
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Next time someone’s achievement triggers a shadow in you, lean into curiosity not judgment: “What is this stirring in me?” rather than “Why am I lesser?”
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Make each day an experiment: “How did I treat myself today? Did I fulfil my inner child’s need for safety, recognition, belonging?”
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Remember: your worth is not measured by the applause you receive, but by the love you give, the calm you cultivate, the peace you hold.
Next time you feel the comparison-gear go on, pause. Drop the wheel.
Next time someone’s achievement triggers a shadow in you, lean into curiosity not judgment: “What is this stirring in me?” rather than “Why am I lesser?”
Make each day an experiment: “How did I treat myself today? Did I fulfil my inner child’s need for safety, recognition, belonging?”
Remember: your worth is not measured by the applause you receive, but by the love you give, the calm you cultivate, the peace you hold.
7. Closing reflection
I once wrote: “For me, my content is for me only to revisit whenever I am in bad shape and bad mood, which gives guidance and different perspectives without judgment.” That is powerful. So I've created my own anchor. So when the storm comes—comparison, importance games, status anxiety—I have something to cling to: my own inner compass. You can create for yourself,too.
In the end, when the external applause fades—because it will—the only thing that remains is how you lived: authentically, kindly, peacefully. And yes, people may praise you when you die—but the real praise is you living now for you. For your inner child. For the quiet voice within. For the world you gently help without expectation.
May your awareness guide you. May your boundaries protect you. May your giving heart continue to spread peace.
All Love from Me,
Monali Suthar,
monalisuthar1210@gmail.com
All Love from Me,
Monali Suthar,
monalisuthar1210@gmail.com
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